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Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Toilet humor has always been the reliable retreat of your Daily, and we are always mindful regarding memorable lavatory incidents and key events, notably connected to soccer. Readers were entertained to discover that Big Website columnist a well-known presenter owns a West Bromwich Albion-inspired toilet at his home. Spare a thought about the Tykes follower who took the rest room rather too directly, and had to be saved from the vacant Barnsley ground following dozing off in the toilet during halftime of a 2015 loss by Fleetwood. “He had no shoes on and couldn't find his phone and his headwear,” explained a representative from Barnsley fire services. And everyone remembers during his peak popularity with Manchester City, Mario Balotelli visited a nearby college to use the facilities back in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then came in and was asking the location of the toilets, subsequently he entered the faculty room,” an undergraduate shared with a Manchester newspaper. “Subsequently he wandered through the school like he owned the place.”

The Toilet Resignation

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century from when Kevin Keegan quit as England manager after a brief chat in a toilet cubicle alongside FA executive David Davies deep within Wembley Stadium, after the notorious 1-0 loss against Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the historic stadium. As Davies recalls in his journal, FA Confidential, he had entered the sodden beleaguered England dressing room directly following the fixture, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams energized, the two stars urging for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. After Dietmar Hamann's set-piece, Keegan walked slowly through the tunnel with a distant gaze, and Davies discovered him collapsed – reminiscent of his 1996 Liverpool behavior – within the changing area's edge, saying quietly: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies attempted urgently to salvage the situation.

“Where could we possibly locate for confidential discussion?” stated Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with an England manager as players dived into the water. Only one option presented itself. The restroom stalls. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history occurred in the ancient loos of a stadium facing demolition. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Dragging Kevin into a cubicle, I shut the door behind us. We remained standing, looking at each other. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I cannot inspire the squad. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Aftermath

And so, Keegan resigned, eventually revealing he viewed his tenure as national coach “empty”. The two-time European Footballer of the Year stated: “I struggled to occupy my time. I found myself going and training the blind team, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's a tremendously tough role.” English football has come a long way during the last 25 years. For better or worse, those Wembley toilets and those two towers are long gone, while a German now sits in the dugout where Keegan once perched. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Real-Time Coverage

Join Luke McLaughlin at 8pm BST for Women’s Bigger Cup updates from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Today's Statement

“We remained in an extended queue, wearing only our undergarments. We represented Europe's top officials, elite athletes, role models, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with strong principles … however all remained silent. We barely looked at each other, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously as we were summoned forward in pairs. There Collina examined us thoroughly with a chilly look. Mute and attentive” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes match officials were formerly exposed to by ex-Uefa refereeing chief Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“How important is a name? There’s a poem by Dr Seuss called ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, plus assistants Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been shown through the door marked ‘Do One’. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not quite! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie remain to oversee the primary team. Complete Steve forward!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and provided some branded items, I've chosen to type and share a brief observation. Ange Postecoglou claims he started conflicts in the school playground with kids he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his option to move to Nottingham Forest. As a lifelong Spurs supporter I'll continue appreciating the subsequent season award but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|